Decisions

The alarm clock sat haphazardly on the edge of the nightstand. Its red digits glared mockingly at Cara. Another night seeped slowly into morning and she hadn’t slept. Hadn’t even tried. When she closed her eyes the nightmares came. It wasn’t enough that she could barely eat, now she couldn’t sleep either.

Cara sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She was exhausted. She glanced at the phone wondering if she knew anyone that might be awake at this hour, then remembered that no one spoke to her anymore. Her friends had found others to party with and her former lover was at home with his wife.

The mere thought of David made bile rise in Cara’s throat. The memory of his voice raked across her mind. “No one needs to know about this. We have each other, just me and you against the world. We can get through this. I’ll be here for you, whenever you need me,” he had told her. And she had believed him. That was the only reason she followed through with their decision.

But where was he now? At home sleeping peacefully next to his wife, Cara thought.

A burning rage filled her as thoughts of David consumed her mind yet again. He had lied to her so many times and she had been oblivious. She had been dumb and naïve. She had been weak, wanting only to feel loved after her break up with Logan. She flung herself backward on the bed.

Logan, she thought. She had been stupid there too. She couldn’t make a good decision to save her life. Cara blinked back the tears stinging her eyes. She tried so hard to be a good person but she got lost somewhere after Logan broke her heart. She stopped trusting, stopped caring about others. She built a wall to keep herself safe but David had managed to get inside. How could she have not seen him for who he really was? Was she so pathetic that she just fell for anyone these days? God, what was wrong with her? Maybe this was her punishment, she thought, for doing what she did. For being so careless, so reckless.

Her last conversation with David reverberated in her head. “You’re nothing but a white trash, wanna-be porn star. All the things I had you do, and you enjoyed every second of it too. So don’t sit there trying to act like all this is my fault when you asked for it, babe.”

A sob escaped from Cara’s throat as shame crept over her. “Please,” she cried, “Just make it go away. Make the pain stop!” She curled up in a fetal position in the middle of the bed and let the tears fall freely.

Why did she have to carry the burden of this alone? Why did he get to sleep and eat and have a normal life as if nothing had happened? Why did he get to laugh and be happy when she was so obviously tortured by their decision?

She punched down into her bed. It wasn’t fair, she silently screamed. He was a liar and a cheater. He had even tried to get out taking her to the clinic that day, and then guilt tripped her into not seeking therapy. Yet his job wasn’t on the line from lack of focus, his friends still called wanting to hang out, and he even had a wife to support him.

Cara’s racing thoughts slowed. She wiped her cheeks and nose. She had shed far too many tears over this man. She was tired of crying. She was tired of the nightmares, of feeling helpless and alone. She jumped up from her bed, grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills and antidepressants from the nightstand’s drawer and headed into the bathroom. She opened each bottle pouring the contents into her hand.

Little white pills filled her palm and she wondered what effect this decision might have upon her. Would she finally be able to sleep?

Cara looked up at her reflection in the mirror. She wasn’t the same person she had been a month ago. She would never be that person again. She turned on the faucet and dumped the pills into the sink.